Shattered Into A Thousand Pieces
by DeanHeartsCas
Summary: Dean decides to express his love for Castiel yet it doesn't go the way he planned and there's nobody left to pick up the pieces. Dean/Castiel. T for swearing.


**Shattered Into A Thousand Pieces**

This wasn't supposed to happen. It wasn't supposed to go like this, anything but this. Sure he'd been prepared for it but deep in his heart he'd thought the angel would have accepted it. Secretly, barely letting even himself acknowledge it, he'd been hoping Castiel would do nothing but fly to his arms and hold him. Underlying all that doubt had been this certainty that he'd felt the same deep and yearning love that Dean had felt for him yet he'd been rejected.

He felt something slip down his cheek, a tickling sensation over his skin caused him to reach up and wipe it away and a small gasp escaped him when his fingers came away wet. The gasp and tears were a key it seemed. A key that opened the floodgates and before he knew it he was on his knees, his legs not having the strength to hold the heavy object that was his heart, this object that was no longer whole. A deep pain settled in his chest as if his heart had actually split in two. Hell, worse than split in two, more like shattered into a thousand pieces with no hope of being put back together.

At first he was silent in his tears, the only evidence he was crying was the two wet tracks that ran down his weather and life beaten face. Before long however, great racking sobs filled the room, Dean was startled to hear these hoarse and desperate noises and more than a little scared when he realised they came from him. He had no control, couldn't stop himself from crying out over and over again, his words nothing but mixed cries of agony, fear and loneliness. Somewhere along the line he'd fallen and wrapped his arms around himself, holding on to whatever he could, gripping tightly to something that was real and solid.

His eyes wet, his chest heaving, his heart hurting Dean thought back to a conversation he would play over and over in his head until the day he died. It stung him and always would, a sharp pain would flash across his chest every time the memory surfaced. The way the angel had appeared, appearing in front of Dean and the first thing he remembered was how Castiel had looked. The angel had been standing tall and powerful with his hair ruffled, looking as if someone had recently run their hands roughly through it, pulling it out of place and leaving it that way. Castiel's clothes held that crumpled look, his tie loosely knotted and top button undone. His head had been cocked barely an inch to the right, his deep blue eyes sparkled with fear and worry and that image tore Present Dean apart. 10 Minutes Ago Dean had noticed all those details with a brief glance before looking down at the floor, chewing the Hell out of his lower lip.

Castiel had spoken then, asking what was wrong, why had Dean been screaming his name. He'd heard the rustle of Cas' clothing as he'd looked around, probably assessing the room for any kind of danger. Dean had looked up then and stared right into the angel's eyes, his stomach tossing and turning and making him feel like he was going to throw up there and then. If he hadn't have gotten the words out at that moment he'd have thrown them up and that would have been worse.

''Cas, I...We...I don't know how to say this, what _way_ to say it. It should be simple, should be easy and simple to say but I just. Fuck, man. Right. I love you Cas, love you more than anything in this damn world.'' He'd sighed then, feeling light headed and dizzy.

Castiel had stared at him and Dean's stomach had dropped into what felt like Hell. The angel had stood there quietly for what seemed an age, a century for God's sake before he had spoken and they were wrong, it was the wrong response. 8 Minutes Ago Dean's head had known this the moment the sentence left Castiel's mouth but his heart carried on. Interrupting and ignoring the obvious.

''I love you too Dean. As a brother and no-''

''No, I don't mean that way. Not the way Sammy and me love each other. I mean as in I love you. I love you more than words can describe and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want you in every sense of the word.'' 6 Minutes Ago Dean had told him, his voice rising just a little, stepping forwards and what stopped him babbling on wasn't the look in Castiel's eyes or the firm set of his mouth but the way the angel stepped back. A small step, no more than a baby step but he'd moved away. Moved fucking _away_ from Dean and that was when the first sharp stab came.

''Cas...?''

''Dean, I..I don't...I love you yes, but like a brother. I love you like a solider loves another when they fight on the same side. You're my charge and for that I love you, the connection between us forces me to love you and I accept that. I dragged you out of Hell and the strength and power with which you'd fought for so long also made me love you. But love in the sense you mean? I'm...I'm sorry Dean.'' Cas had half shrugged lamely, his feet shuffling slightly and his eyes anywhere but on 5 Minutes Ago Dean.

Another sharp stab had come when Castiel didn't meet his eyes; the words had washed over him. His mind had been a jumble of thoughts, emotions and only half of what Castiel had said had gotten through. He had still been expecting the angel to leap into his arms and plant those soft lips against his and Present Dean choked as he remember moving forwards, reaching for Castiel's hand with his own and he had once more backed up a little, this one just a bit bigger than a baby step.

''Cas I don't...You can't.'' Nothing had come to him. He'd practised and practised, thinking up each and every scenario in his head and at the time he'd thought it'd be easy. Shrugging and laughing it off had seemed so easy but there he'd been, standing there with this crippling fucking _pain_ that was seeping into his very being. Paralysing him, running his mouth dry but wetting palms with sweat. That light headed feeling hadn't left him, the room spinning but he paid it no attention.

''Dean, please, don't make this harder than it is.'' Castiel had told him, practically _begging_ with those eyes that had taken over Dean on more than one occasion and then words that were completely and utterly wrong. Fucking _wrong_! Ones that had cut through to his very soul and sliced away any hope he'd had of Castiel loving him in that way had been spoken and everything had been lost. ''I just don't reciprocate your feelings Dean. I don't love you the way you love me. I'm so sorry.''

The silence had filled the room then, 3 Minutes Ago Dean had almost suffocated on it. It had pressed on him, making it harder than ever to breath. He'd swear on his own life that the walls had grown closer, yet the distance between him and Castiel grown larger than anything. He had moved forwards one more time, little more than a shuffle really, a small flame of hope had been left it seemed but with one gesture that had then been extinguished. Castiel had brought his hand up, halting Dean and the look on his face had hurt Dean more than the sharp stabs and the busted heart that Present Dean was coping with. The one feeling, emotion, whatever you wanted to call the fucking thing that shone through was _pity_ and that was the moment Dean knew his life would never be the same.

''Please, stop. I'm sorry Dean but there is nothing I can do. I have to go now. I'm...I'm so sorry.'' Castiel had told him, genuine concern and worry clear in his voice yet this had only ripped into 30 Seconds Ago Dean more than if Cas had insulted or laughed at him. With a light breeze of warm air the angel disappeared from the room and from his life. He'd stood in silence, nothing moving apart from his slowly beating heart before feeling that itch on his face.

Lying on the floor, not caring how cliché or desperate it was, Dean cried. He let it pour out; knowing nothing could make it better. Knowing that it would still hurt when he got up, knowing he'd carry that hurt with him the next day, and the next and the next until he could no longer stand it.

He'd drink, of course he would. There was nothing else left for him to do and for awhile he'd forget. He was entitled to _that_ shit. At the time he'd be grateful for those black outs but waking up in the morning the pain seemed fresher, as if the wound had been reopened only this time it came with a pounding headache and queasy stomach. But for now, lying on the cheap and thin motel carpet Dean wanted nothing more than for Castiel to come back, to sweep into the room and sweep Dean into his arms and hold him. He wanted the angel to come and take the pain away, take it all away and piece the pieces that were his heart together. More than anything, he wanted the angel to say he needed Dean as much as Dean needed him, loved him with all the force of his being yet the silence said it all. It did all the talking that Dean ever needed. Castiel wasn't going to love him back that way, wasn't going to come and make everything alright and right now Dean didn't know how he'd carry on. His tears continued, his sobs burying down into his very soul and this was how it was going to be. Him, alone, facing whatever came for him by himself, nothing to protect or love him. From this moment now and forever, he was alone.


End file.
